My Paper Lungs

For a while now I’ve been wanting to write something a bit more in-depth on this blog. Something with a bit of meat, shall we say. A bit more ‘oompf’. ‘Oompf’ is probably a better word. Meat sounds dirty. Meat sounds like road-kill. I definitely don’t want any of that on here.

Good start to a post, talking about road-kill. That’s Mondays for you.

No, I want more ‘oompf’. Not the sort of ‘oompf’ where you fall off the monkey-bars and wind yourself, oh no. Nor the sort of ‘oompf’ where you’re left staring blank at the screen wondering what shit you just read. I want the sort of ‘oompf’ (that word is starting to sound sexual now) that’ll make both me and you feel like we’ve had a deep, meaningful conversation. A conversation where we’ve both shared something personal, something intimate, or something that we just needed to get off our chests.

That’s where I came up with the Unknown post concept. It’ll give us a space to share the sort of stuff we just can’t share when talking about books or rats or other topics that appear here. It also kinda gives me an entire space to share the real me. I guess that does sound a little bit weird, maybe even a little bit self-centered, but fuck it, sometimes you need to be self-centered. Like a nice bubbly-bubble bath for your soul, just with, you know, words.

Yeah.

Today I thought, before I take a real bubbly bath (coz girl’s gotta relax after a day at work), that I’ll talk about change.

Recently, I’ve been coming to terms with a lot of change, and I hate it.

Like, seriously, hate it wanna-kill-it-with-a-pitch-fork sort of hate.

Change, I’ve never been good with it. As a kid change was always synonymous with bad.

“Oh hey, they didn’t have the sandwich you like, so I got you this one instead, it has lots of mayo and fish in it”

“NOOOO.”

As an adult (ha, adult) I still hold on tight to the things that make me secure, and onto the idea that if they change, then shits going to go down. I know, I know, at 22 I should really have grown-out of this by now, by god I’ve tried. I am better now, I’ve learnt to differentiate between bad change and extremely bad the-world-is-going-to-end change. I think I have, anyways.

And the change recently hasn’t been so bad, I guess.

In the last two months I’ve left my job, come back to my job, done odd jobs, been a florist’s assistant, been a waitress, hung around at home, graduated, seen some amazing friends, said goodbye to my childhood buddy, and I’m just about to start my fifth and final year at uni. That’s some scary-ass shit right there. It doesn’t look like much in a paragraph, but believe me, this summer has been a teeny bit stressful.  A hell of a lot of fun, but stressful.

I’ll be happy to get back into Canterbury life properly. Aka all-nighters in the library and late-night tesco trips. Those give me LIFE.

Coming back to Canterbury though, it still doesn’t feel like I’m actually here, if that makes any sense? We’re renting a really old house in the center of Canterbury which is pretty nifty and I’m terrified it’s haunted (but so far no ghosts…that I know of) and I’ve got my job back as well and fresher’s is only next week and…

Everything still just feels really temporary. I guess that’s why I fear change – it becomes fact that whatever has changed was only temporary, however permanent it felt.

Sometimes I guess things just run their natural course, like how I finished my undergrad. I couldn’t have stretched that out any longer if I had tried.  Uncontrollable change is scary, but necessary is what I’m trying to get at.

Deep, dude, deep.

I guess change is all a part of evolving and finding out what you really wanna do and shit like that.

Ah, man, my brain hurts.

With a sentence like that I think it’s time I go see what B.B.G wants for dinner – avocado on toast and Malteser cookies, yes?

Hope you guys have a good week.

N.E.

P.s. Out of curiosity, what scares you the most?